...Anyway, since his Anniversary is usually
Kind of a Tough day for him.
You know, 'cause the marriage Went sour and all that...
Right.
Went south... You know ?
Yup !
Across the border.
I was thinking, uh, planning on Doing something special, You know ?
Yeah ? Great, go do it !
So, i was wondering If you wanted to pitch in.
No.
'Cause i got 12 bucks on me, Burnin' a hole !
I'm gonna go out and i figure If you wanna put up Matching funds...
No, i don't think so...
Maybe $12, so we could Buy him a nice $24 gift,
Like a terrarium Or something...
Yeah, sure.
You don't think It's... Mean-spirited
To buy him an Anniversary gift
Even though he's Not married anymore ?
Unless it's a Mean-spirited kinda gift.
Well, that's what I was thinking.
Well, yeah, then I guess i do think...
That's okay, I'm not against it !
Yeah ?
Like i'll, buy him a, uh-- Something that symbolizes,
The failure Of his marriage,
Like i will Buy him ah...
Picture of you ?
Hmmm.
I just got that-- That's very funny !
I was thinking more along the Lines of a card, you know...
Oh.
I was thinking of Making a cake,
But i don't know how To make cakes, do you ?
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you were there You could guide me...
Like when you're Making the frosting
We'd both have our hands In the bowl, together...
We'd get it on our noses And then we'd laugh...
Really ?!
No, i don't think so.
Umm, but, dom ?
You asked me something A minute ago...
Did i, geez !
Was i trying to get some Therapy out of you, doc ?
I didn't mean To interrupt you !
Maybe, god forbid, by some Freak accident you could help me
With some of the Problems that i have !
I remember now, It was the boogie man !
Yeah ? Are you afraid Of the boogie man ?
I'm not afraid of The boogie man per se--
I knew you were Gonna say "per se"--
No, i just knew You were gonna say "per se" !
You think you're so-- With the hippocratic oath
And the latin, Always slipping it in--
You think you're Such a big deal, don't you ?
Why don't you just say, "Quo vadis" ?
I don't know What that means.
Neither do i, but it sounds Good, doesn't it, doc ?
Umm, but, dom, Here's the thing...
Boy, your parents Did a number on you, huh ?
What ?
Not my business, Go ahead, doc.
No, what i was gonna say Is that therapy is all about
Your ability to expose yourself In the larger sense.
Well, check this out then !
No no, you don't Understand, dom.
What do you Think of this ?
Look at this From the side.
Well, that's Quite a profile.
I am a Tremendous stripper.
I really am !
I believe you.
Now, doc, i want you To watch this dance...
And you tell me That this is not sexy...
That this would not Turn a woman on...
* Cha-cha-cha-cha, Dum pow-- * humph !
You didn't know it was gonna Come off like that, did ya ?
Ka paw cha-choo...
Is that velcro ?
It is a velcro, Yeah, feel that !
It's like Real velour.
Uhm, here's the Thing, dom, you know,
This is a very Provocative dance
But i don't think this is The place to be doing it...
Or the time.
I don't think it's a Good use of your time--
B-b-but, it's Good isn't it ?
I could be a professional Dancer-- a stripper !
You could be, dom, If i was paying you !
But that's not The way this works.
Well, you know, i was Just trying to help out.
I know you usually Do the dishes, and...
No, i appreciate it.
You know, because It is your, uh...
Your anniversary's Coming up.
Yeah, it's amazing how it Sorta creeps up on you.
That's funny, when i was Married, i didn't...
Make such a Big deal out of my--
You'd always forget.
I'd forget, but now That i'm divorced...
It means more to me, Oddly enough...
Hmmm, that's sweet, dad.
Yeah, thank you.
But i thought maybe this year I would get you a gift.
Oh, that's So nice, ben.
It must feel a little Uncomfortable around Anniversary time
'Cause it's like a Symbol of failure for you.
One day a year when you really Know-- when it hits home that...
You ruined a marriage.
Well, ben, it takes Two to tango.
And if your mother had Been willing to tango,
She might still Be here today !
Hmmm.
What i want you To know is that
You are not Responsible In any way
For the failure Of my marriage.
In fact, i think your mother Would've left me earlier
If it wasn't for you !
Is that true ?
Yeah. 'Cause she Wanted to make sure
That you got home From school first.
( Giggle )
I really do Have to go but--
Dad... Before You leave...
Ummm, friday... Is anniversary day...
Yup !
What number was That gonna be ?
I think that would be 25 actually-- the silver,
Hi-ho silver !
Yeah ! The silver...
That's clever...
25 ! Yup !
This'll Be your 25th ?
A quarter of The century.
But ben, i gotta Get out of here.
So can we continue This conversation A little bit later ?
Wait a minute...
I gotta go, ben, I will talk to you later.
( Thinking ) I'm 25... How can their Marriage be 25 ?
I'll see you, ben.
Have a good day.
You too.
Help some People today.
I will.
Don't screw Anybody up.
I won't.
Make me proud.
Kiss my ass.
Same to you, Here it is !
Looking good !
Here's the difference between Myself and other canadians Is that...
I actually lived In like... nowhere !
I mean i don't Have an association--
So you don't even have A canadian identity.
Yeah-- right !
Because i grew up So far north that i didn't--
I had no outside influences As a kid, think about that ?
Think about it !
I am thinking About that.
You know what's really Popular in los angeles,
Is the thrift store.
Really ?
It's weird 'cause They're not popular at all
In the small town Where i grew up.
I guess you only Need to hear,
"Hey ! That's my Dead mom's blouse !"
Just the one time... And it loses its appeal.
But you also lived in New york city for awhile ?
When i first moved To new york city,
My parents would Call me all the time.
Well, they're your Parents, you know.
Yeah, but they'd say,
* You're gonna Get murdered *
They're fun. They tease.
Yeah, they like to Kid around, your parents.
I didn't get murdered.
No, that's what i mean, You got the last laugh.
You know, i read this thing That said that 82% of women
Think they can Overtake an attacker.
Really ?
Can you believe that !
I mean, they're so-- Who are these women ?
They're so delusional !
I just want to Walk up, smack 'em,
Drag 'em in the Back of my van
And tell 'em "That is not possible".
I can't believe that Many women really think
They can overtake An attacker--
I mean, i can !
But i took gymnastics As a child.
Is english your First language ?
Yeah.
Then pick up The pace.
Ha ha ha !
Dr. Katz's office.
Laura, ben !
Yeah ?
I can't talk long, i just put a Frozen pizza in the oven so...
Oh, my loss.
I really need Someone to talk to--
Well, you're in luck.
Great !
There's a guy right here In the waiting room
Who doesn't Look too busy.
Hold on !
Whoa whoa whoa !
Hello ?
Yeah ?
Laura, i'm serious, I've got some issues
I'm trying to Deal with here
And there's some hurt That i would prefer to hide.
Some pain i'd Rather bury, some uh--
( Ding )
Hold on, My pizza's ready !
You know what i think would be A great disease to have ?
Uhh, multiple Personality disorder.
Why is that, bonnie ?
'Cause then you have a roster of Experts on hand, at all times,
To help you Out of any situation.
Right.
Don't know french ? That's okay, natalie does--
bon jour...
Yeah, but natalie Has other issues.
Umm, i either Have that disorder
Where i think Everybody hates me...
Right.
Or everybody hates me.
Why does it have to be One or the other ?
People say you're not supposed To go to the gym too often
'Cause you'll get addicted To the endorphins...
Sure.
And that's one addiction That you can't outsmart
Because endorphins Are smarter than people.
Everybody knows that.
Yeah.
You know who thinks She's really smart ?
Mira sorvino, 'cause she Knows like 11 languages...
Right.
Let me tell you something,
When you get into That amount of languages--
A lot of crossover !
Uhhh... I just got Hit with some uh...
What they used to Call "heavy" stuff.
You know ?
Oh ? Oh, okay.
I got some Disturbing news...
Hmmm ?
Of scandalous proportions.
Well, are you gonna Tell me what it is ?
Can't you guess ?
Ben !
Alright, I'll tell you.
That was hard.
I... I think my parents-- They had to get married,
If you know What i mean.
Had to... had !
You know what i'm saying... They had to get--
I got you !
That's not Disturbing enough, laura.
You know if that was The sexual revolution...
My parents were having sex With other people, you know ?
Yeah ?
So... Maybe my dad Is not even my father.
Then maybe i don't even Need to ever talk to you ?
I gotta lay low For awhile.
Good idea.
I'm gonna figure This thing out...
I'll have to do A lot of soul-searching...
And pop open a Bottle of chardonnay
And just let it fly, Baby, you know !
'Cause i'm nobody's child.
What goes good with chardonnay, White or red wine ?
So what is going on With you, ben ?
You seem... You've been acting odd.
What are you Talking about ?
There's something Going on with you lately
And i wish you could Talk to me about it, because--
Yeah, i've been doing a lot of Thinking about the anniversary
And uhh...
Trying to find The perfect gift ?
Well, no, Not really that.
Mm-hmm.
Well, lets face it,
It's your 25th anniversary, And i'm 25 years old...
Ahhh ! Now i--
So why didn't you tell me That i had been born before-- ?
My mistake, ben, that This is 26th coming up.
I-i-i just did the math All wrong. I apologize.
So it's your 26th ?
Yes !
So i'm not A bastard !
I didn't say that !
Can i still be one ?
In the broader Sense of the word, yes !
'Cause i gotta be honest, It kinda felt good.
I was in sort of An elite club of Guys and girls.
You're sure that you're The father,
And mom and you... Created me ?
I don't understand why you're So... Plagued with doubt.
Well, i'm just saying There was a lot going on
In the... Late 60's, The early 70's
I could be Anybody's child...
Uh-huh.
Pretty much i am Up for grabs, you know.
You could be Anybody's child,
But you happen To be my child.
I mean, did you ever spend A lot of time on a commune or...
No, i did not.
I never lived On a commune.
I lived on an Ashram for 3 years.
Close enough !
But that was a time During which i was celibate.
Really ? Yup !
But mom wasn't !
No. No siree, sir !
Yeah ?
She was Cele brate !
Are you worried that I might not be your son ?
No, that's you Being worried.
( Sigh )
Let me tell you this, ben, If you're not my son--
You owe me some Serious cash !
Hmmm, 'cause, i was looking In the mirror this morning...
I don't look Like you... Or mom.
Mm-hmm.
I actually look a little bit Like raymond burr.
Did mom know him ?
She admired his work.
So i was definitively Not a mistake ?
No.
The act of intercourse... If i may call it that...
Mm-hmm.
Happened after You were married ?
That's correct.
Yeah... How soon ?
20 minutes !
Nice !
Do i feel hot To you doc ?
No.
'Cause i got like a 98.7-- Is that a fever ?
No no...
Could you Die from that ?
Everybody has... At least 98-point-something.
Does my heart sound Loose to you, doc ?
When i walk, do you hear A rattle or something ?
I think my heart actually Fell out of the heart pack
And is beating randomly Around my body !
Is that dangerous ?
Loose heart is Not a condition.
But if it was, You'd be hurtin'.
I was sitting home watching Dan rather on the cbs news
And i was Playing with my balls.
That don't make me Gay, right ?
Not at all.
I started twisting and Yanking 'em like a big ape.
I was curious to see how many Twists i could get
Without actually snappin' The whole ball sack off.
Wait, let me guess...
I got 4-1/8th and my body Started turning the other way,
That's about it, You know.
I think that's normal. But, dom... Let's try to get--
Do you do any drugs Or hallucinogenics
Or can you Get me some ?
No, i-i can't, And i don't.
You write prescriptions, right ?
See, i just found out today That you're a doctor, doctor !
Can you get me something To help me with my anxiety ?
Or... Give me some--
Absolutely, i could Write you a script
For an anti-anxiety Medication...
A low dosage With no refills.
Huh, seems like it comes With all the perks.
Could you give me anything To help me with, you know...
My heartbeat ?
To raise it to a point of-- Like a rabbit's ?
You'd like your heart To beat like a rabbit's ?
I'd like to Lose some weight, doc.
Yeah, but that's not The way to do it--
Take a pill that Speeds up your heart !
Do i look like i'm gonna Have a heart attack now ?
No, you don't.
'Cause i feel like i might... Not right now,
But towards the End of the session.
Okay, well, just Let me know.
I don't know... I hate pranks,
I don't get it, I don't get--
What do you do in moments Like this, when somebody--
I'm sitting in a deli-- True story, doc...
I'm sitting in a deli With a friend of mine,
Willy mercer, i don't know If you know him...
You know the paper On top of a straw ?
Yes.
Spits it-- "poom", Right in my eye !
I go, "aaahh !"
He goes, "Oh, i'm sorry, dom !"
He says, "I'm so sorry !"
What'd you Do it for ?
He goes, "but i'm sorry"
But i don't understand, What's the payoff ?
What's the best That could have happened
If everything Went right !
Would the paper have Circled my head
And faked my eye, went up My nose, and out my mouth ?
I don't get That kind of--
That's not fun to me ! Am i right ?
No, well, Yeah, you know,
Your perception of these Kinds of pranks is correct--
But how do you React to it ?
You ever get people That come up
And they start Strangling you
Or they punch you In the back of your head
And then they get upset That you got upset ?
Like "boy, have you changed" !
You've really Gone hollywood !
Yeah, remember when i was a kid, How much i used to like
Gettin' punched in the Back of the head or strangled ?
I don't know what's Gotten into me lately !
I know it's weird, But when i was married
I would never Remember my anniversary.
Now... That i'm marking My 26th anniversary...
Wow ! Wow !
I get very Sentimental, i even--
But you're not Married anymore.
Yeah.
I know, but it's sort of A reflective time for me
Because i think What could've been.
Wait, so did you Get divorced right away
Or were you living together Or did you just separate ?
Well, the actual date of the Divorce is not important.
When she left, i didn't Serve her with papers for 6 Months, until after she left.
Huh.
And when i served her with Papers, you know what she said ?
"Nice presentation."
Ugh.
It's not what you Wanted to hear though ?
No.
Did you guys have An ugly divorce ?
Uh, she was.
Ha ha, zounds !
That's funny, the things That you find charming
At the beginning Of a marriage...
Yeah !
Yeah, like sex.
And then after that, The charm leaves.
Well, y'know, stanley,
Roz used to insist on Turning out the lights
before we made love !
Which did Not bother me...
It's the hiding That seemed so cruel.
Ha ha !
But i think i was Never comfortable
Sharing my sexual Fantasies with my wife.
Oh, really ?
Now that's Important !
Really ?
Sure ! If you can talk freely About that, then anything goes.
Then you can just go, Za za za wild !
Do you share them while you're having sex
Or like just when you're Having coffee in the morning
Or something like that ?
I usually do Printouts during.
Ha ha ha !
This really isn't Necessary, ben.
Dad, it is ! You know why ?
'Cause we're Hungry and thirsty ?
We gotta eat.
And, uh... Happy anniversary !
Well, thank you.
Let's click cans ! Ok.
This is an Imported beer, ben ?
Umm, i got the Special stuff for you.
And the antipasto ?
Yeah.
Well, everything Was just right... Everything's just...
You know, the antipasto Came between my parents
Because my mother was... She was pro-pasto.
My father was a very Staunch antipasto guy.
Oh, dad, you know how To ruin a party !
Oh, man, who died And left me boring ?
Yeah, who died ? Also, by the way, What stinks ?
You know, it's kinda Our anniversary, dad,
Because if it were not for You and mom's anniversary,
I would not Have existed.
That's right !
You think now you'd think about Getting married again ?
Always a Possibility.
Would you marry For money ?
No, i wouldn't Marry for money.
I would marry... For love and...
I'd love for money !
I love money !
You do, Don't you ?
So dad... Yeah !
This is the perfect Anniversary dinner, Is it not ?
It is !
2 guys, who happen To be father and son...
Mm-hmm.
No mother.
A 6-pack so we Can talk dirty...
Well...
Yeah, i was actually Painting it more negatively...
Hey, can i-- do you mind If i have that last slice ?
No, it's Your anniversary...
You do whatever The hell you want.
When your mother and i Took the vows
I never thought That 26 years later
I'd still be Celebrating.
That you would Make it this long.
That's right !
We're not having a bad Anniversary party here.
Not at all !
In fact, more for everybody... If you know what i'm saying ?
Yeaaahh...
A 6-pack-- 3 apiece,
You add a third person-- It gets tense !
But that's not Why we split up !
So you're saying that "3" is an odd number ?
"3" is a crowd.
That's what i said to your Mother after you were born !
( Chuckle )
Ben, would you Excuse me for one sec,
I gotta see a guy About a horse.
What are you Talking about ?
I have to see a man About a horse.
What are you Talking about, though ?
In the room Next to us ?
The kitchen ?
No, the bathroom...
There's a man in there who wants To talk to me about a horse.
Really ?
Yeah.
You're not Doin' heroin, are you ?
'Cause you've been in the Bathroom about 8 times tonight.
Well, this guy--
It's always about A guy with a horse.
He's talking My ear off, tonight !
Ha ha ha !
Every 15 seconds, Somewhere in america
A woman is being accused Of having an eating disorder !
Right.
I mean, it's such a big news That you can't even do it--
If you go for a pizza, With your friends
And you pass on it Suddenly you're anorexic.
Mm-hmm.
If you throw up after Every meal, you're bulimic !
I guess i should be Thinking about having a baby,
But i look around My apartment and i go,
"Man, where would i Put a baby", you know ?
Uh... Anywhere ?
I do have a Sh-( bleep ) apartment,
I have a terrible Little apartment.
If i ever brought anybody Back to my apartment,
I'd have to go, "oh my god, I've been robbed !"
I remember when you used to Just basically sit there And not say much.
Now you've changed, It's all-- you're like dynamic !
Yeah.
I'm just going on For the ride !
Do you come back here every week Because you enjoy my company ?
Because if That's the case
Then i'm going to Refer you to somebody else.
Who ?
Somebody less pleasant.
Are you serious ?
Yes, because i think that The social aspect of the time
That you and i spend together Is not productive time.
Are you trying to tell me To get off your lap ?
No, i'm not Saying that !
I'm just saying, Let's try to focus on the--
A little to the left.
God, i feel so bad for Some people out there, y'know...
I was reading about This midget, doc.
His name is mishu, Did you ever hear about him ?
He's a very, Very small man.
He's the smallest man In the world.
Always looking up, The little guy.
He's a great cook !
He'll actually stand in the pot And stir, 'til the last minute.
If he sees one bubble, He's out of there.
He's gutsy but He's not stupid.
He's 28 and a half inches... 20 pounds.
That unbelievable ?
I looked it up-- for his height,
That's the exact weight He should be
Because that's a medium frame For a 28-and-a-half-inch guy.
Like everybody else, he probably Bitches about his weight.
"20 pounds !
"When i was 15 pounds, I was in shape !
"When i used to Box in the service,
My fight weight Was 5 pounds."
( Music ) Nobody's ever happy In life, doc.
You know what the Music means, dom...
Our time is up, We're gonna have to stop.
Oh, yeah, what's that, The music, doc ?
That's right.
I've asked you To change the song !
I ain't leaving until you Change the stinkin' song !
Okay, what about this ?
( * Organ tick-tock )
Now, that's Better doc !
I'm outta here, but not Before i do this little dance...
* Oh, dr. Katz... Rat-tat-taaaa... *
* I think i'm Falling for dr. Katzzzzzzzz... *
Please !
* And even in my home, Ba ba bone... ( Imitating elvis ) *
* ( Crooning ) ...Right... Every night... *
* ... With me In my jeans... *
* ... In my home...
Can you please ?
Alright, i'm going...
* Dr. Katz... I think i'm...*
Dom ?
I don't wanna Be the heavy,
But you push me To the limit.
Hey ! ( As elvis ) * And even if i don't... *
What do you Think, doc ?
( Sigh )
Alright, i'm outta here. I'm outta here, alright !